Drawn and Quoted
Leave Me Alone Part Deux – College hasn’t taught me much, but a few years of walking down Ring Road has definitely taught me how to ignore people. I try to avoid Ring Road whenever possible; I rather walk through Aldrich Park and use unconventional super-long routes to get to classes than see that abortion wall ever again. When I absolutely have to walk on it, I typically go with the triple-threat approach – headphones in, sunglasses on and cell phone in hand. Ever since I said, “Not interested, I’m sorry” to a Greenpeace guy and was told, “Don’t be sorry, be active,” I don’t even talk to these people anymore. I’ve found no reason to privilege these money-beggars with my words. And yes, I even ignore good friends that are obviously saying hello to me when I’m on the Ring. Sorry, but our friendship just is not worth me removing my headphones and potentially exposing my precious eardrums to purveyors of Boba and freshman-that-can’t-cook-quality baked goods.
The Crapture – The end of the world is nigh! This past Saturday, May 21, was the beginning of the end as we know it. The long-awaited rapture is underway, and if you believed in the right religion, well, you aren’t reading this because you are in heaven right now, slapping hands with the Big Man Upstairs and congratulating yourself for winning in the game of Russian roulette that is life on this 6,000-year-old planet.
As for those of you who are able to read this right now, you’re all going to hell. And if you’re thinking, “But wait, everyone I know is still here,” you are even worse off. I hate to break it to you, but you’ve been hanging out with the wrong crowd. Literally everyone you know is going to burn for eternity. That’s why you haven’t seen anyone disappear yet! It’s not that the rapture didn’t begin on Saturday, it’s just that you literally have not associated with any of God’s chosen people in your entire life! What a downer.
At least this is all what pseudo-theologian and raving lunatic Harold Camping of the Family Radio network says. Yes, the rapture started May 21, and within the next six months, we’ll all be gone. Actually, this whole thing is being taken seriously by a lot of people. Some of Camping’s followers have reportedly quit their jobs, abandoned their homes and put all of their resources into spreading the word. These poor people have literally bought into Camping’s scam, which is based on a weird interpretation of numerical calculations from the Bible — an easy-to-read collection of books long lauded for its impeccable accuracy with numbers and its inability to ever be interpreted incorrectly.
The saddest part about this whole thing is that most of these people will continue believing Camping even though the world isn’t going anywhere anytime soon — or worse, they will assume they weren’t on God’s guest list, and utter chaos will ensue.
By the way, in case you’re wondering, I wrote this article from heaven because I got saved. Suck it, bitches! (I can say that now! Cursing is totally permissible in heaven! Who would’ve thought?)
Five Long Years – There has been quite a bit of commotion in the media about the various paraphernalia discovered in the late Osama bin Laden’s high-end manse in the suburbs of Abottabad, Pakistan. For those who have not been informed, officials found a sweet marijuana garden, a metric shit-ton of porn, bottles of natural substances that have Viagra-like effects and loads and loads of Coca-Cola and Pepsi. He even dyed his beard!
Yeah, it turns out that bin Laden, who wanted everyone to fall for his super-religious acting job, was basically just the latest in a long line of douchey, morally bankrupt hypocrites telling other people what to do. By day he was pumping out “Death to America” messages to his followers using 1980s technology, and by night he was getting baked and slamming American soft drinks long viewed as symbols of the American cultural imperialism he apparently hated so much.
As for the porn and the reefer, hey, five years in one building is a long time, especially when you don’t have Internet access and your only TV was a 13-inch purchased at a Goodwill bargain rack 30 years ago. At any rate, it’s now clear that this guy was yet another hypocritical leader who said one thing and did another. I’m no scholar of Islam, but last time I checked, the religion he drastically misinterpreted and hijacked to push his extreme views forbids his entire life’s work along with just about everything we found at his pad in the Pakistani hills. Say what you will about the way the raid happened, the fact that this guy is gone is a good thing for the world.
By the way, this bin Laden was a guy who apparently didn’t have a good real estate appraiser in his little black book. How did that compound cost a million dollars? I thought a mil barely got you anything in Orange County, but apparently it gets you even less in sun-kissed, sparkling Abottabad. Did you see the photos? I haven’t seen that much outdated architecture, stinky mold and awkwardly dangling cables and wires since the last time I used the fourth-floor men’s restroom in Langson.