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Thanks to North Carolina, we are caught in the marriage debate crossfire, yet again. On one side, people are trying to preserve the sanctity of marriage. On the other, people believe that same-sex couples should have equal marriage rights. Both provide valid (and some not-so-valid) points. Both are adamant that they are 100 percent correct. Both annoy me when they put flyers on my car windshield. Neither will back down. Clearly, there is only one solution to this age-old debate: to ban heterosexual  marriage.

Why would we do that? Well, one of the primary arguments against same-sex marriage is that these couples will “violate the sanctity of marriage,” and lead to the downfall of the modern family. Ironically enough, it is heterosexual couples who have a divorce rate of over 50 percent in some Bible Belt states (approaching 60 percent in California). Same-sex marriages account for less than 1 percent of divorces. According to the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s own crime index, heterosexual relationships are also the most violent. There were over 700 murders last year committed by a spouse. Close to 100 percent of those were committed by a heterosexual spouse. In fact, in the last 30 years, there have been 31,000 women murdered by their heterosexual spouse. Don’t believe me? Check the FBI’s crime index. Banning heterosexual marriage should make “Protect The Family” groups ecstatic!

I know that right now a lot of you are really not digging this idea of banning heterosexual marriages. After all, God wants them, right? I agree, but He wants a lot of things, so if we are going to pick a few things out of the Bible, let’s not forget the lesser-appreciated passages that Christians should be following. No one who has eye problems can go to church (Leviticus 24:14). Parents can sell daughters into sexual slavery (Exodus 21:7). Teachers, change our textbooks, because the Earth is flat (Revelations 7:1) and pi equals three (1 Kings 7:23). Oh, and, Heaven is inhabited by exactly 144,000 virgin men (Revelations 14:1). We know these things aren’t true. Pi is not three, the world is round, and the only virgins left are two-thirds of the Jonas Brothers. So let’s not pick and choose the convenient Biblical laws.

“But being in a straight relationship is the normal thing to do,” you scream. OK. I won’t argue with you there (discounting that almost every mammal has been observed having homosexual sex and/or relationships). Heterosexual relationships are, indeed, viewed as more “normal” than homosexual relationships; mostly, because they are more prevalent. But is the “everyone is doing it” argument really a good reason to do something? I mean, “Mein Kampf” sold 10,000 copies last year, but it doesn’t make it a good book.

For those of you historians that cry out that heterosexual marriage has been around as long as man, let’s not forget where heterosexual marriage came from. One of the first marriages on record was in Hammurabi’s Code, circa 1790 B.C. but all it said is that if a man had sex with a woman, then she’d be his wife. There wasn’t anything banning same-sex relations at that time. It wasn’t until Rome came about and enacted the Theodosian Code (around 342 A.D.) that polygamy, same-sex couples, and the stigma towards sex outside of wedlock came about. That may sound like a long time ago, but considering that “Homo sapiens” have been around for almost 250,000 years, and the idea of marrying someone of the other sex has only been around for less than 2,000, it puts things into perspective.

I’m not saying that all heterosexual marriages all bad, I’m the product of one. If we want to preserve the sanctity of marriage, go with what people have been doing the majority of the time, and still live in a society where some groups of people don’t have equal rights (since, clearly, we’re a fan of that [see: ban on interracial marriage that lasted until 1967]), don’t let them marry. But that’s just me.

Justin Huft is a third-year psychology and social behavior major. He can be reached at jhuft@uci.edu.

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