Super Man Swag Fan: A UCI Celebrity Death Match Ensues
Introductions: In this corner! Wearing a red Michael Jordan No. 23 jersey, standing approximately 6 feet and 2 inches tall, and weighing in at 175 pounds, he is the Sultan of Strut, the epitome of swagger. He walks at a pace of 5.5 miles per hour, never sacrificing style; yet somehow he has yet to be inducted into the USA Track & Field Hall of Fame for speed walking. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Charles Jock’s hero, the Pacer of Peltason himself — Swag Maaaaaaaaaaan!
And in this corner! Wearing a white ’Eaters jersey with pinstripes, and standing approximately 5 feet and 10 inches tall at 230 pounds, he is the baritone baseballer, the Bronx Brawler. He has served two prison sentences and now moves furniture for a living. He never misses a UCI baseball game and rarely cuts his hair. Anteaters! Put your claws together for the man who makes Ozzy Osbourne look like an absolute pansy — Super Faaaaaaaaaaaaan!
Imagine the following in the voice of UCI play-by-play man, Mark Roberts: Now UC Irvine fans, here is your tale of the tape. Live from the Bren Events Center, welcome to the first ever UCI Celebrity Death Match. To my knowledge, Swag Man has never been in a sanctioned fight before, but he has a noticeable length advantage and will rely on his footwork to avoid the powerful Super Fan. He is faster than a man on a flying trapeze. The Bronx Brawler has prison experience on his side. I’ve never seen him in such great shape; the veins in his biceps are popping and he is one passionate man.
Oddsmakers have Super Fan at a 5:1 favorite, but ladies and gentlemen, the fight isn’t fought on paper — it’s fought in the ring. So who wins, Anteaters? Is it Swag Man, the man who is impossible to track down on campus? Or the most devoted and hysterical baseball fan in UCI’s baseball history? Swag Man or Super Fan? I can’t decide folks, how about Super Man Swag Fan?
Results: Just as honorary referee Chancellor Michael V. Drake starts the contest with a “let’s get it on!” Super Fan tosses his unruly hair back in a bun. Looking like Chris Pontius from Jackass and Wildboyz, he has fists clinched and he’s ready to rumble. Swag Man on the other hand, in typical DGAF fashion, slips under the ropes without breaking stride and swags through the exit. Referee Chancellor Drake declares Super Fan winner by forfeit as the baseball team’s number one fan leaps onto the turnbuckle and fires up the audience in all four corners of the arena.
Ian Massey is a third-year literary journalism major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.