April Foolery: Sh*t That Doesn’t Happen at UCI
Jock backpedals to 800-meter victory at annual Anteater Invitational
After watching a pre-screening of Sasha Baron Cohen’s “The Dictator,” senior sprinter Charles Jock was inspired. The next morning, he drank 15 Dr. Peppers and sprinted the 800-meter race at a spring break invitational held at UC Irvine’s Anteater Stadium on March 23 — backwards. Jock’s recent hijinx nearly broke the school record, leaving skeptics wondering, if he actually tried, could Jock outrun a cheetah?
On April 5, Jock will square off with Usain Bolt in an epic arm wrestling matchup that will decide whether Jamaica or the United States will host the 2018 World Karate Championships. Stay tuned.
Inception of UCI football: Izzi calls it “A dream within a dream for UCI”
For the first time in school history, UC Irvine will be playing football on a gridiron this fall, as announced by Athletic Director Mike Izzi on April 1.
The school is currently preparing offers for football coaches throughout the nation, including Jerry Sandusky, the top rated coach by pameganslaw.state.pa.us.
“Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do when you want to bring a football team to Orange County,” one prospect, who wished to remain anonymous, said. “If it means being coached by a pedophile, we just gotta make sure all of our players are at least 18, ya feel me?”
Former Buccaneers coach and current ESPN personality John Gruden is also in the running, but isn’t too fond of the school’s mascot.
“If you ask me, I think the Chucky doll should be the school’s mascot. You know how many college kids are still scared of Chucky?” Gruden said. “I don’t like forfeits, but you have to win somehow when you’re a powderpuff squad.”
Rounding out the recruiting process are two unlikely candidates: Orenthal James Simpson and Ryan Leaf.
Last week Leaf made news after being arrested on suspicion of stealing painkillers.
Simpson would like to take a stab at his first coaching job if released from prison due to good behavior, but hopes that Irvine can work within his budget, stating, “If my players’ helmets don’t fit, I won’t like it one bit.”
The Anteaters will join the Pac-12, transforming it into the Pac-13.
When asked about traveling down south to play the Anteaters, USC head coach Lane Kiffin stated, “What the [expletive] is an Anteater?”
UCI UPSETS KENTUCKY, WINS NCAA TOURNAMENT
The Anteaters are the 2012 NCAA men’s basketball champions after a shocking 76-74 victory over John Calipari’s University of Kentucky Wildcats last night. Down 74-73, Chris McNealy inbounded to Derick Flowers who maneuvered around Will Davis II’s off-ball screen from the left wing to find space for an open three.
McNealy outplayed Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, scoring 23 points to Gilchrist’s 18. Anthony Davis’ (in white, at right) almost triple-double performance of 16 points, 12 rebounds, and 8 blocks was not enough to carry the Wildcats as Davis II and Folker combined for 31 points and 23 rebounds.
NBA superstar Steve Nash was present for a pre-game ceremony, honoring Adam Folker with the Canadian Athlete of the Year award. Folker was met with cheers from thousands of Anteaters who flocked to Georgia to watch UCI’s Cinderella Story unfold.
The Anteaters set the tone in the first half after winning the tip-off as Flowers lobbed the ball to a soaring Will Davis II who threw down an unforgettable poster dunk over Anthony Davis (seen at right). Davis did not take the dunk kindly and responded by scoring five consecutive baskets in the paint.
The event set the world record for the most amount of times the name “Davis” was spoken over the course of 20 minutes, breaking the previous record set by the late Al Davis who repeatedly said “I’m Al Davis” over the course of 20 minutes in an Oakland Raiders press conference in 2005.
The two teams traded baskets until five minutes into the second half when Kentucky’s Mike Teague pulled Michael Wilder’s afro when he drove to the basket. Teague was given a technical as Damon Starring made the basket from the charity stripe to take the lead.
The NCAA committee responded by sanctioning hair length restrictions due to safety concerns. Wilder has been asked by the committee to reduce his afro to a six-inch radius in order to be eligible to play next season.
Russell Turner called a timeout, and with uncharacteristic zen, told Derick Flowers to calm down and make the final shot. This marked the first time all year that Turner did not utter a single cuss word during a timeout.
Flowers’ game-winning shot caused an instant flurry and explosion in the Twitter-sphere as the world was introduced to the might of the Anteater.