Snark vs. Snark: Justin Huft
I don’t know what Mr. Ryan “I don’t like anyone” Cady is talking about. I think that the readers of the New University are some of the smartest people I know. Really. Besides the fact that all of my knowledge of them is from comments and emails, I really think I know my audience. And they are smart, indeed! I mean, everything from their brilliant critiques, to their wonderful suggestions to their impeccable grammar, I have nothing but nice things to say about my fellow lovers of the paper.
At least once per week, I have the joy of waking up to emails from avid fans of my writing. Usually, these fans have only the nicest of things to suggest. Take for example, an email I got in response to my article opposing homophobic legislation: “Jackass . Gays deserve rights just like you and me. They’re people too, bro!”
It’s emails like this that make me really appreciate the everyday New U reader. In today’s world of Facebook and texting and Reddit, so rarely do people take the time out of their day to offer constructive criticism. And, even more rare, it’s great to see that the reader really understood that my article opposing homophobic legislation actually meant I was a secret homophobe. I had no idea, and without loyal, intelligent readers like this one, I never would have known I should be voting for Santorum!
Some people are even nice enough to save me time by writing more succinct reviews of my articles. One person wrote nothing more than “What a moronic article.” I don’t know about anyone else, but I think it’s the mark of true genius when you can summarize your entire thoughts on a complex political issue in four words.
One of my favorite things to do when I’m not marking all my fan emails as “unread” so I can have to joy of reading them later, is to keep myself informed on the latest comments on the New U website. I’m always impressed by all the great feedback we, as writers, receive from New U readers. Usually, the wordsmiths post as “anonymous.” Most likely, because they don’t want everyone to know how intelligent they are in real life. It’s nice to know readers are as humble as they are intelligent, you know? In response to my articles, one wordsmith commented, “badly stated bad reason.” This is exactly the type of intelligence I’m talking about! Clearly, this reader has the creative intelligence of Picasso and Steve Job’s secret experiment baby, because they rewrote the rules of the English language. Only a New U reader would be smart enough to pull off a sentence not just lacking any sort of punctuation, but also switching “poorly” and “badly” without a hint of nescience!
As if that isn’t proof enough of the genius-level intellect of New U readers, in response to an article about veganism (also co-written by the dastardly Ryan Cady), one person wrote me saying, “DIS ARTICLE IS TOTALY LAME. Y U BE RITING THIS? LAME,” followed by 40 exclamation marks. Now, being that I’m not illiterate, I’m going to be honest, I did notice a mistake or two in that email. I believe “dis” should be capitalized. Other than that, the 40 exclamation marks really did the trick. I wasn’t going to believe them, but they said it with such conviction when they yelled it at me, that I really had no other choice. New University readers always go above and beyond my expectations. So polite and friendly. Always leaving positive comments. And they have such a mastery of the English language! I’m just so happy that I finally have a group of people that I can look up to in my generation. People that stand out and exemplary of the model individual. Thank goodness for them.
Justin Huft is a third-year psychology and social behavior major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.