Snark vs. Snark: Ryan Cady

Oh, don’t mind me. In fact, you can ignore this column; I was just checking to see if you could actually read. Because if you’re one of the truly “gifted” individuals who grabbed a copy of New University this week, I can’t imagine you possess the capability to process the complex intricacies of the English language. But I digress.

I’ve been writing for the New U for over a year now. In the course of my stalwart and remarkable tenure as a staff writer, I have produced such gems as “Costume Controversy,” “Who is Ron Paul Really?” and the unequivocally thought-provoking info-piece “Buy Girl Scout Cookies.” On a moderately regular basis, for the past year, once a week, I have poured my soul into my work. Vast increments of time, well over 20 minutes, and blood, sweat and tears have been shed by yours truly to create the kind of hard-hitting journalistic masterpieces that the intellectual elite crave.

And you don’t even read them.

That’s right. I’m on to you. Because, at first, I was an optimist, like my colleague, Justin Huft. I believed that the Anteater masses were the beacon of hope for the future: brilliant, driven, invested in solving the problems of the world. But for six months of straight writing, I received not a single email. I wracked my brain over the problem. Clearly, I was not to blame; my writing was flawless! And even a nimrod scanning the pieces should have retained enough information to feel the need to send me a question of compliment … yet, for six months, not a word. I concluded that, clearly, not a single living soul on campus actually read the newspaper. They must’ve retrieved the papers from the dispensers believing them to be compostable, or to use them for packing insulation.

Then, this past winter quarter, I stumbled upon the truth. As I was sitting outside of my lecture hall, waiting for the current class to leave, I watched as a young lady retrieved a paper from the dispenser, flipped it open and proceeded to read the entire thing. It was jaw-dropping. I had been wrong, all along. It’s not that this fine newspaper has no readers. It’s simply that you, the reader, are a total moron.

Reading through the comments on the New University website has only confirmed my suspicions. Take, for example, the “Vegans and PETA” article I co-wrote with the effervescent, young Justin Huft. Now, I loathe vegans and vegetarians just as much as any freedom-loving American should, but the purpose of this article was satirical, for a good chuckle, and this was clearly evident to any one with a functioning frontal cortex and a cursory knowledge of literary tradition. Yet the negative response was enormous … and enormously stupid. One user writes:

“immature ill-informed erroneous leaning towards omnivore jingoism Other than that, it was written badly….. too subject is too personal to the author(s); they’ve taken it personally that some people don’t eat like they do.”

First of all, what the hell kind of way is this to format a sentence? The first word is not capitalized, there is no coherent punctuation, nor are there particles and connective conjunctions. Who do you think you are, Cormac McCarthy?

On top of that, there was nothing “erroneous” about my article. “Omnivore Jingoism?” Try “Ominvore AWESOME-ism.” I rest my case.

Of course, these are only a few small examples of the disappointing response I have received from New U readers. When I do receive an email from a “reader,” I’m always sure to delete it immediately, lest the poor diction and syntax contained within give me a case of the vapors. Seriously, how difficult is it for you people to get your shit together?

I would rather read the fan-made reviews of the new Insane Clown Posse album that have to endure any more of your dreck.

So why do I keep writing for this newspaper then, if all of the readers have the mental capacity of oxygen-deprived work mules?

Because if I stop writing, they might let one of you take my place. And if that happened, I just don’t think I could sleep soundly at night.

 

Ryan Cady is a second-year psychology major. He can be reached at rcady@uci.edu.