Saturday, May 30, 2020
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Editorial: Our Dream ASUCI Slate

This is just for laughs. The people represented here by no way reflect how the Editorial Board views the candidates running in the current campaign, or the positions they are running for.

That aside, elections week is upon us! No doubt we have all seen the stenciled posters, the campaign t-shirts and the occasional free swag to get people to go out and vote. With so many choices, and with so many heated campaigns promising a dramatic and tense election season, we should step back, lighten up and think about which politicians could best fill them.

Let’s start with Student Services. This prestigious position grants the elected candidate the responsibilities and powers to organize the big annual events hosted every year, once or twice per quarter. Student Services puts the “shock” in “Shocktoberfest”, the “goose” in “Wayzgoose”, the “Jah” in “Reggae Fest,” (cool runnings man) and the “weak” in “Welcome Week”. I say … Sarah Palin for Student Services. Palin, who in her days won prestigious awards for being beautiful, has probably all the qualities a strong event organizer can put to use. Move aside, Homecoming Kings and Queens, Palin is the real deal. Largest dodge ball game ever? How about the world’s largest moose hunt? Take that, University of Alberta!

And what of Academic Affairs Vice President? This position puts a person in charge of saying that they attend to and represent the student body’s needs in terms of academic and educational output. Whoever takes this position will tight-rope the thin and exhilarating political line between unimportance and anonymity. How about John Huntsman? Who the hell is that? Wasn’t he that guy who’d say random crap in Mandarin during Republican Primary debates? Exactly.

Not to be confused with that last one is the Administrative Affairs Vice President position. The Admin Affairs V.P. is tasked with voicing student concerns to the UCI administration on issues such as parking, housing and dining. Oooh, that rings a bell. Jimmy McMillan anyone? Perhaps you know him better as “The Rent Is Too Damn High” guy, and you know what? Here at UC Irvine … the Parking Is Too Damn High.

Now comes the finalist. EVP? Herman Cain. UC Irvine needs a 9-9-9 plan, too. Nine free days of parking per year, nine free slices of pizza, nine different ways of saying no to undesirable flyers and pesky solicitations to purchase tapioca-based beverages and sketchy meats and rice assembled in some form of combination on ring road.

For ASUCI President, Dick Cheney. The last memorable thing that he did was shoot a guy in the face (in the FACE? IN THE FACE!) with a shotgun.  Maybe that’s what we need for a president of ASUCI. Someone who is trigger-happy, a gung-ho (or gun hoe), take-no-shit-from-nobody B.A.M.F. willing to make a difference or have someone else die trying.

All jokes aside, if you have not voted by the time you read this, do so. Your choice makes a difference. All of our choices do. So go out there, and choose wisely.

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