Juvenalian Judgments: Focusing on the Males

I was recently informed that men are no longer allowed to write about women’s issues in many newspapers across the country. Of course, this didn’t surprise me. Being a white, middle-class male, I’ve always had to deal with blatant sexist discrimination like this. While this article might surprise you since I don’t have a history of writing anything controversial, I beg you to read this so you can also be armed with the information needed to fight back against the oppressive vagina regime.

Where do I even start? Since before men are even born, they are discriminated against. Their own bodies are created female, and until forced to be a boy, we will retain our ovaries and vaginas and gross stuff like that.

Of course, even if we are unlucky enough to be born with a Y chromosome, the first thing that happens to us is a third of our penis is cut off. Then, we’re off to school (there were a few years between those sentences), where studies show that teachers will give us more attention and assistance when talking about science or math, further perpetuating any gender differences in the field of academia. Thanks. Now we are expected to live up to this idea that we’re all Einstein’s and Hawkingses. Meanwhile, the girls in the class will be virtually ignored except when talking about art, Greek mythology or ponies. Why do they get all the subjects useful for post-college life?

During college, you’ll probably be miserable. You’re going to have to deal with a lot of people glorifying you every time you have sex with someone. Girls, however, they’ll be labeled as “sluts” by everyone and their AM talk radio hosts. Because your chances of getting sexually assaulted are 1 in 33, compared to your roommate’s girlfriend’s 1 in 4, you won’t have any excuse to be scared walking to your car at night. Or spend money on things like pepper spray or weekend classes in Taekwondo. Or those Wolverine-like things on your keychain that you put between your knuckles when walking anywhere in Long Beach. And keep in mind, all of the girls you know will be sexually objectified. That’s something you’ll never experience. No matter how hard you try, you will never be whistled at by someone driving by. Your intelligence will never be judged based on your chest size. You’ll never be blamed for being the victim of a crime either. You really miss out on all the good stuff.

After college, you’re forced into the workforce, something that women don’t have to worry about, since most of society sees it normative that they get pregnant and stay at home with the kids. Assuming women do work with us, we are constantly having to tiptoe across the glass ceiling, which is really no fun at all. Now that both sexes are working together, you’re going to have to bear all the financial burden and pay out more taxes than a woman working your same job. You know, since you make, on average, 22 cents more than her on every $1. And to make matters worse, since women only make up 3 percent of the CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, you’ll probably be expected to be in upper-level management. It’s a tough life.

And as a worn-out CEO having to deal with heavy issues like what car should you buy today, I’m sure you’re ready to throw in the towel. But before you do, know that women attempt suicide twice as often as men do, so they’re winning at that too.

If you’re reading this then speak up. Don’t sit back, idly.

I understand that society’s gender roles for you aren’t as binding and oppressive as they are for women, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel your pain.

Somewhere between men being the only ones deciding on women’s reproductive rights and insurance companies charging more for women, the world forgot how men have been treated unequally.

Justin Huft is a third-year psychology and social behavior and social ecology double major. He can be reached at jhuft@uci.edu.