Juvenalian Judgments: Health Care, Shmelth Care

With the issue of Obamacare on the cutting block in the Supreme Court, I feel like it’s my civic duty to give my two cents, and inform the masses about this oppressive, communist law. So what are the issues? Why am I morally opposed to this law? Why do I hope that the Supreme Court sides with the sane and logical people in the Tea Party? Well, it’s simple. The American Dream.


By accepting the constitutionality of a law that, according to Gallup polls, a majority of Americans supported, the United States would be directly waging war on one of the most important group of individuals in this country: insurance company CEOs. These CEOs are American heroes! They live the American Dream better than anyone else. They are the Elvises of businessmen. They are the Da Vincis of entrepreneurs. They are the Jesuses of capitalism. Everybody looks up to them (literally, because they live in really tall mansions). But how could you not? Their average income is slightly above $10 million per year. To put that into perspective, that is approximately 10 million nights of top ramen dinners, or $7 million more than Romney paid in taxes. They are the epitome of the rugged individual. Oh, and that doesn’t include the average stock holdings upwards of $120 million.


These CEOs don’t care if someone will die if they don’t receive a heart transplant. They don’t mind if your fiancé has a brain tumor. They get their profits by denying anyone and everything. Good for them! It is these types of strong convictions and refusal to ever compromise, no matter how important the situation is, that leads to highly successful people (and Republican senators). Why would the government want to hurt such successful people? All they did was exploit the capitalistic system by devaluing millions of human lives. What’s so wrong with that? I mean, the government does that all the time … or at least, the UC Regents do.


And keep in mind, this doesn’t just boil down to the pockets of America’s heroes being robbed. The root of this issue boils down to the ethical implication that a government can pass whatever laws they want, willy-nilly. I mean, who does the government think they are, enacting legislation just because a majority of citizens and congressmen alike supported it?! If we let the United States become a slave to … the United States, it is a slippery slope towards things much worse.


If the government listened to everything the public wanted, gays could marry and women would have equal rights, and we wouldn’t have troops deployed all over the world. And if we didn’t have armed conflict, what would I do with my “I support the troops” bumper sticker (it’s absurd to support troops if they’re back home)? The bottom line is, the only thing that separates us from Nazi Germany (besides a mustache or two) is the fact that our government doesn’t have a history of enforcing laws that tell us how to live our lives (if you don’t count prohibition, gay marriage or civil rights legislation).


While I think it goes without saying, these godless heathen congressmen who voted for Obamacare on a Sabbath, clearly, have it out not just for you, but America as we know it. If this socialist health care is not struck down by the Supreme Court, be prepared to have our nation violently thrust into the depths of totalitarianism and the third-world living conditions of countries like Canada and England!


It’s clear our overall quality of medicine will plummet. Never mind that, as it is, the World Health Organization ranks us not even in the top 30 countries in the world, and only two spots above Cuba.


It’s time we all take our traditional values to heart, and harp back on the old Republican healthcare solution: just never getting sick. And if you do, instead of going to a hospital, refer to “Old Yeller.” It’s a lot cheaper on everyone.


Justin Huft is a third-year psychology and social ecology double major. He can be reached at jhuft@uci.edu.