Juvenalian Judgments: Voter Fraud and Spinning Statistics

During times like these, there can only be one thing our country can do to lift the spirits of the drab masses and reinstate the proper democracy that our fathers before us envisioned: wage war.

What we need to do is find this looming terror and destroy it. And we need to be at least as successful doing it as we are with our war on drugs. So what is threatening the very fabric of our red, white and blue country? Only the single worst offense and living man can commit (besides voting for a brown-skinned, socialist who supports universal healthcare [note: I’m not talking about Jesus]): voter fraud.

Certainly, some people will claim that electoral fraud is a thing of the past. Others will remark on its extremely low prevalence. But don’t let the fact some states that are, “riddled with voter fraud,”, as Republican National Committee chairman Priebus stated, have instances of voter fraud lower than 0.0002%. And in the last ten years, of the 648 million votes cast, there have only been 13 credible cases of voter fraud. That amounts to a whopping .000002%. That may sound like an incredibly small number, and it is, but statistics and facts are just tools used by the masterminds behind the liberal agenda and the bipartisan Brennan Center for Justice.

I know exactly what the leftists are going to tell you. They’re going to try and sell you some bleeding heart factoid to try and make you change your mind. Maybe something along the lines of: there were about 47,000 UFO sighting since 2001. That makes seeing a UFO 3,616 times more likely to happen than voter fraud. Or, perhaps: you are more likely to guess the combination of a four-digit lock on the first try AND get a hole in one while playing golf at the same time than witness voter fraud. But, I have to make myself clear, don’t fall for their stupid statistics games.

So, what is the solution to this growing epidemic? Well, as I talked about before in “GOP Sabotaging the Youth Vote?”, the only logical thing to do is to enact strict voter ID laws. What does that mean for you? Well, it depends. If you are not white, upper class, or Republican, there is a good chance that you can’t vote, and that isn’t just a fear-mongering statistic.

12 percent of minorities (usually Democrats) are expected to not be able to register this year. There is an expected seven to 12 percent  fewer voter turnouts due to the ban on election day registration. Coincidently, one of the largest users of election day registration are Democrats.

Some may taunt bills that “crack down” on voter fraud (i.e. by making it nearly impossible for some to register to vote or cast a ballot) as merely another Republican excuse to cut social welfare programs and effectively keep a huge portion of liberals from the polls. After all, as history shows us, Republicans win when less people vote. And, coincidentally, Republicans are expected to win in these states with which they say voting regulations are too loose.

Ironically enough, one of the most frequent cases of voting fraud involves Republican congressmen rigging their voting buttons to still vote while they are absent (a practice that is illegal in many states), or “ghost voting” as they so affectionately call it. It’s good to know that Republicans are learning the tactics of the enemy. I’m sure it will help them eliminate it faster. Even good ‘ol Mitt got on board at a campaign speech last week; as Romney said a few weeks ago, “…you voting multiple times could make all the difference.”