Snark v. Snark: Arizona

It truly is a shame when good people are beaten down, left broken and bruised at the hands of the mass media horde. Even worse, an entire state, and a great one at that, has been placed against its will on the pedestal of injustice. For too long has the state of Arizona been subjected to attack after attack by politicians and papers and godless liberals. They claim that Arizona is this unlawful, immigrant-hating, gun-toting, civil rights-denying, barbaric state, but the facts are clear. They are definitely not unlawful.

Ever since Valentine’s Day of 1912, Arizona has spent every waking hour diligently enacting laws to protect and serve its great citizens. While some people may think that the laws are biased to help only a certain group of people (coughcough white people coughcough), I think it’s pretty obvious that Arizona’s laws are fine examples of a great American State.

First of all, no donkeys are allowed to sleep in a person’s bathtub. Like, at all. Not even once. Clearly, Arizona has a history of watching out for people’s best interests. Everyone knows that donkeys are terrible house guests, and never clean up the bathtub after they leave.

Want to make imitation cocaine? Not in Arizona! It’s a class 6 felony. It’s actually better to possess real cocaine. Good job, Arizona, looking out for the drug users.

Want to use birth control pills for no other reason than to not go halfsies on a baby? Too bad! A recent bill enables employers to deny health insurance coverage to people seeking birth control unless they can provide a prescription with a medical reason (i.e. hormone balance). There Arizona goes again. Looking out for the sex police. Good for them.

Say you aren’t on birth control. Does that mean you’re pregnant? In Arizona it does! In an effort to reduce the amount of time a woman can have an abortion, a controversial bill was recently passed stating that a woman’s pregnancy started from the first day of her last menstrual cycle. That means that women are pregnant two weeks before they have sex. For some people, that means that they are pregnant before they even get drunk, meet the guy, and make bad decisions. But, this is just another example of Arizona looking out for the little guy. In this case, the fetus that hasn’t even begun to be thought about being conceived yet. And they need rights too.

Arizona is doing what any great American state does: what’s best for its citizens. They have a long history of enacting laws to protect everyone. That’s why their gun laws are looser than Julianne Moore in “Boogie Nights” and/or Republican’s arguments against universal healthcare. In fact, Arizona has done such a bang up job protecting Arizonians, that it has gained a spot as one of the highest states in gun-related violence. You know, since everyone there so responsibly uses their firearms, and since gun ownership is so obviously inversely related to crime. Which is probably why a “Guns on Campus” bill was proposed in the last couple months. Because there is nothing safer than giving hormonalteenagers weapons.

When states like Arizona pass laws like SB 1070, I think everyone needs to take a deep breath before criticizing it. With Arizona’s spotless history of doing what is in the best interest of everyone, is there really room to stand when making absurd claims like, “SB 1070 is discriminatory” or “This law not only enables, but actively supports a system that promotes prejudices” or “This is a blatantly racist bill.” When has Arizona ever done you wrong? Sure, it has had its history of questionable bills, like the “Obama Circumcision Act,” which required people running for office to show either a long-form birth certificate or a certificate of circumcision to get on the ballot, but I’m sure that proof of penis pruning is what’s best for everyone. Have a little faith, and trust in the system. It’s never steered you wrong before… unless you’re brown.