Snark vs. Snark: Political Correctness

I have never been more disgusted than I am now, reading the audaciously titled “Everyone is Gay” article by Justin Huft. Just where does he get off, writing about homosexuals, minorities, and women, when he himself is an upper-middle-class white male who could never understand their lives or relate to them! As an upper-middle-class white male myself, I acknowledge that empathizing with minorities is utterly impossible, and to avoid the temptation of wickedness that comes with my station, I need to constantly prove how absolutely positively un-racist I am!
For example, while watching the Olympics this past week, a very Anglo acquaintance of mine referred to one of the British athletes as “black.” I, of course, was appropriately horrified and immediately corrected the bigot. The appropriate terminology for
the dark-skinned gentleman was “African American.” You’d think that nowadays, people would have learned to be more understanding, but my acquaintance was one of those right-wing Christians, and everyone knows that all of those religious people are ignorant and racist.

Take this whole “Chick-Fil-A” fiasco. I sent a strongly worded email to the mayors of three different local cities, urging them to try and revoke the property rights to multiple Chick-Fil-A restaurants, in spite of the fact that the intellectual opinions of a corporation’s ownership has absolutely nothing to do with its product, or its constitutional right to engage in commerce. I also expressly forbade my entire family from eating there again. I tried to explain that even though the General Manager of our
local Chick-Fil-A restaurant was a homosexual, it would be better that the restaurant were closed and she be out of a job, than she be forced to continue laboring in a cauldron of bigotry that pays her in blood money. After all, being a deserved minority, I am certain that the government would take care of her via immediate welfare (or some sort of minority-reparations program) in the event of the toppling of this hateful chain.

But I wish more could be done. I wish Dan Cathy could be executed or banished or thrown in jail for his personal opinion. He has no right to hate another human being like that! Quite frankly, anyone who would wish to revoke the rights of a fellow human being has no right to live at all. This is exactly why I propose we eliminate the First Amendment. Or at least, amend it! Why should people be allowed to say things that could ever hurt anyone else? The idea of the word “gay” being used derogatorily just makes me sick, and everyone else in America should feel the same way. Not to mention the “c,” “f,” “n,” and “b” words, which further infringe upon the fundamental rights of individuals somehow. No, if it were up to me, uttering those words at all, for
any reason, should be an offense punishable by jail time. I suppose “bastard” can stay, though, because that only generalizes against males, and in the tradition of affirmative action, some of their equality needs to be taken away so that true equality can be achieved.

It will be a fine day in America when our speech is controlled by the government, and political correctness enforced; that way, nobody’s rights will be infringed upon!
Ryan Cady is a third-year psychology and English double major. He can be reached at rcady@uci.edu.