Snark v. Snark: Religion

Do you believe in God? The soul? The positive and empathic teachings of Jesus Christ or the Buddha?

Well, if you do, then fuck you. You’re an oppressor.

That’s right, you read that right, you ignorant Neanderthal. You believe in sky spirits and ghost bodies? What, have you never paid attention in science class? Because anyone who’s ever opened a Biology or Physics textbook should be well aware that the beautiful, brilliant men of science have effectively disproven the existence of your primitive, oppressive sky-father.

And yet, you continue to violate their rights to practice the holiest act on earth: empiricism.

Last week, I happened to chance upon several numbskulls standing in front of a Planned Parenthood, protesting abortions. I was aghast. I phoned the police immediately, but the officer claimed they were simply observing their “First Amendment Rights.” Oh my Science. As if people who believe in God could even read well enough to know their rights. Because I knew police wouldn’t intervene, I had to let holy Science deal with them: force equals mass times acceleration, the mass being my car and the acceleration being pretty damned fast. I’m that passionate about abortion. I’m pro-abortion. Yes, because I am well-read, I’m aware that neurological activity occurs even within a fetus in its first trimester — like that matters. It’s not like neurological activity even means anything. It’s just little electrical sparks and tiny molecules. Granted, that’s exactly how our own minds work, but unborn babies aren’t people.

That’s just one of the many examples of how religion poisons everything, to quote the eminently brilliant Christopher Hitchens. Some individuals, (Jesusfreaks, no doubt), claimed that Hitchens’ philosophical standpoints were overly conservative, borderline racist and antifeminist. These “critics” of Hitchens point to his ethnocentric critique of Islam, or his notions that border on evolutionary psychology, which is apparently antifeminist. In which case, feminism must be wrong, because Evolutionary Psychology is a science, and Science is always right. EvoPsych also portends that homosexuality is natural population control. Now, some would compare that teaching to the gay-hating doctrines of religious nutjobs, but it’s totally different. Yeah, I mean, it basically asserts that your love is meaningless and will never be equivalent to that of heterosexual love, but if you really think about it, all love is meaningless. It’s just some chemicals in your brain, and if you’re gay, your chemicals are messed up. I mean, that’s just simply Biology. And I always adhere to Biology. Any Science, really. If there’s an “-ology” for the suffix, its teachings are irrefutable.

Lots of religious people claim that their beliefs give their lives “meaning.” They say that religion makes their morals stronger, brings them closer as a family and gives them hope for the future. They point to studies that have shown how regular church attendance brings families closer together. Yeah, I’m sure it does, in the same way that Hitler Youth Meetings and matching Nazi uniforms brought WWII Germany together. Another common defense of the barbaric practice of religion is that religious individuals are less likely to indulge in harmful substance abuse, but, as anyone with a Ph.D. will tell you, that’s only because they’re already mindless slaves to the malignant, cancerous drug of their philosophy.

Now, I know a good deal of you Godtards will read this and say that I’m violating one of our First Amendment Rights, one of the values that this country was founded upon: freedom of religion. But if the founders of this country were Deists, god-believers, then should we really follow their Constitution? What in Science’s name are the morally upright, brilliant secularists of this world going to do, roll over and let people believe whatever they want in the freedom of their own homes?

Science, no!

Ryan Cady is a third-year psychology and English double major. He can only be reached via email at rcady@uci.edu, so that the Amish cannot bother him.