My Sincerest Apologies, America
This week, Republicans around the world had half-masted flags for our fair leader, Romnitron. Twitter went ablaze as thousands of good conservatives threatened to emigrate to places like Canada and Australia and other countries that don’t have universal health care, allow openly gay politicians, ban guns and teach evolution in schools. Personally, I think it’s time to give Romney and his campaign a moment of silence, and reflect on what could have been.
To begin, I’d like to express my sincerest apologies to civil rights. Unfortunately, my vote only counted as one vote, and I couldn’t adequately set you back 50 years. Since the better man did not win in this election, it looks like Mr. and Mrs. (or Mr. and Mr., most likely) C. Rights won’t be suppressed after all. I know that really upsets most of the people in the Romney camp, because, let’s be honest, they don’t care about people either.
From the bottom of my heart, a big sorry to women’s uteri. Unfortunately, your uterus will still be under your own control. That’s a huge hit to all those women who thought it was a better idea to have white men, all over the age of 50, tell them what they can do with their lady parts, and who they can do it with. While women all over the country were jumping at the opportunity to have Supreme Court justices appointed that would overturn Roe v. Wade, they’ll just have to wait a couple more years for dangerous, back-alley abortions.
To the students of the country, do not be sad long. Even though you have a president who has set up programs to aid student loan recipients, along with a major increase in the total amount of federal financial aid available, remember that things get better. Sure, loan interest rates won’t go up much in these next four years, but we can always hope to be crippled and shackled after that. Don’t be sad that you weren’t saddled with a man who didn’t give two Cayman Island bank accounts about you; be happy that he might be back in four years.
To the minorities who won this election, as any good Republican, I don’t really want to acknowledge you, but I’ve been told I need to. So, don’t be sad that you won’t be forcefully deported, disenfranchised and reduced to the type of food you cook. Look on the bright side; at least FOX News has acknowledged that Hispanic minorities actually did something useful in this election.
Unfortunately, I need to apologize to our troops, God bless them. As much as you wanted to go to another war in another country for a dozen fabricated reasons, you won’t be able to die that way. You’ll be forced to rejoin your friends and families, safely back at home. This is sure to deliver a critical blow to one of our nation’s most important industries, the “Support Our Troops” bumper sticker business. While there will still be troops stationed throughout the world, the amount of soldiers dying per day will drop off. It leaves me to wonder, who will bail out the good men and women of the American Bumper Sticker League?
Most of all, I think apologies are in order to anyone who has been sick, is sick or will ever in their life be sick. Without Mitt, you’ll be covered by a terrible, socialist health care system that covers you, regardless of your ability to pay, or preexisting conditions. That also means that, instead of being instantly turned away from a hospital, you’ll have to wait an excruciating number of minutes to see a doctor and receive quality medical treatment. It’s a shame, really. Also, even though you wanted to be taken off your parents’ existing insurance in the middle of college, you have to put up with being taken care of for a few more years. That’s just one more thing on a long list of things that Rush Limbaugh will spend the next four years talking about.
While this reflection on all the heartbreaks could never really capture all the pain in the world, I think it’s a start. With this, I would like to take a moment to recognize the people who lost the most in this election: racist, old men needing extra yachts (or ROMNEYs). Unfortunately, all these ROMNEYs, with their vast amounts of wealth, will be taxed, leaving them unable to do the one thing they wish to do: fly their gold-trimmed confederate flags on the top of each one of their mansions. It’s a sad day, indeed, to be white and upper-upper class.
Justin Huft is a fourth-year psychology and social behavior and social ecology double major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org