Snark v. Snark: In Media We Trust? (Ryan)

There is a great darkness sweeping across this beautiful, proud nation. An insidious conspiracy bred forth from the time of Paul Revere and Horace Greeley to today’s Dan Rather and Ann Coulter. For those we entrust with the truth, those wise sages like Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh are not really beacons of truth and revelation, but in reality, are pawns of a great plan to manipulate the American people.
The gist of it is that you can’t trust the media. Any media.

You don’t believe me; I can see it, because you’ve spent your entire life as a fly trapped in a web. But weaving spiders come not here, because it’s time to wake up and smell the hot coffee. You may wonder, how could Fox News tell a lie? It’s as if I expect you to believe that Obama doesn’t want us all to be socialist mind slaves to a neo-Muslim anti-American America. You may question how that most trusted of all sources, National Public Radio, could deceive us, that their long-established tradition of all-American recipes and monotonous politically correct stories could all serve a darker purpose.

But I tell you truly, it’s all part of a New World Order campaign to deceive the wise and proud American people.

Think about it. I mean, really, think about it. All of sudden, there are all of these stories about shootings in the media. Do you really believe that all of those isolated incidents aren’t connected? All of the reporters aren’t working together? Or recall back (if you can) to September 11, 2001? That event received a suspicious amount of coverage, don’t you think?

TMZ, People, The New York Times, Newsweek — all serve a part in the conspiracy to control and deceive us with every article about celebrities and politicians.

So you may ask, “What news source can I trust?” Where can you get your information? Unfortunately, dear reader, you really can’t. There is not a single bit or byte of information in the universe that isn’t reported by someone with some agenda that supports the New World Order’s false flag campaign.
Maybe that sounds crazy to you. Maybe you think that you can trust some news sources, like The Economist or Time, that it’s only the sensationalist sources like Gawker or The Los Angeles Times that you should avoid. Or maybe you think you can only trust paranoid sensationalists, like Glenn Beck. But you can’t. Don’t you see it? All the tin foil hats in the world won’t protect you from their influence. As Aaron Swartz’ “suicide” has shown us, even user-driven sites like reddit and 4chan are under the control of the Illuminati and Bohemian Grove.

You’re not safe, dear reader. Every written word, every radio program, every television pundit — all of it serves to keep you complacent and prepare you to do, well, something that they want you to do.

You don’t believe me? Well, you’re reading this newspaper right now, aren’t you?

Ryan M. Cady is a third-year English and psychology double major. He can be reached at rcady@uci.edu.