Four Corners: This week in the newsroom, we decided to ponder what course of action we would take in the event that Peter the Anteater was kidnapped. The focus of our discussion gravitated towards what mascot we would adopt as Peter’s replacement.
Ian Massey: I’m going to throw out the honey badger. It’s just as ridiculous as the anteater. It doesn’t care when we lose. Honey badger don’t give a shit.
Ryan Cady: What would you name the honey badger?
IM: Harry the honey badger.
Dat-Vinh Nguyen: I nominate the orangutan. I feel the orangutan is a noble creature. It is wise, it is sage. You know, it sits there and it ponders and thinks. And it’s just a very powerful creature, a noble creature. For a name, we could call it Plump. Plump the Orangutan. Just imagine; take a scenario where we go against Cal. You know how we’re known as ’Eaters instead of Anteaters, so it would be ’Tang. So, orangutans all the way.
IM: But don’t you think that will maybe create conflict with the Mustangs?
RC: Good point, new rivalry.
DVN: There can only be one ’Tang.
Belester Benitez: I would nominate the eagle because the eagle is considered an intelligent animal. And also, a calm animal. But, it can be a predator, and attack when it needs to. And I think that’s a good mix to have. A good character mix to have for a school, and a mascot. I would name the eagle Ender after the book, “Ender’s Game.” Because Ender is kind of an underdog in the books but he’s a fighter. And for the alliteration, Ender the Eagle.
RC: My original suggestion was — and hear me out — the boba slingers. I thought about, what is UCI known for? And when you come on campus, what do you think about? Every five feet you’ve got somebody selling $2 boba. If our mascot sold boba, too, think about how school spirit would increase. Or, as a backup along those same lines, how about, the University of California, Irvine biology majors?
IM: They might actually show up to games, then.
RC: If an orangutan and a honey badger had to fight. If we had to settle this in the ring. Granted, eagles are theoretically above the ring, circling.
DVN: But an orangutan could grab its own fecal matter, and in a great projectile, send it forth into the sky to knock the eagle from its trajectory. Whereupon it lands on the ground and tramples it under its feet.
IM: Meanwhile, the honey badger has bitten off everybody’s head and is asleep for a half hour. Wakes the fuck up and finishes the job.
BB: The eagle doesn’t have to engage in warfare, it can just fly away.
RC: You want a legacy of cowardice? But meanwhile, what you fail to take into account is the UCI bio majors have been studying for midterms.
BB: We could adopt as a mascot an entire environment and utilize the animals therein, selectively, such as the rainforest. We can be the leopard, or the orangutan or the eagle.
IM: We just show up any given day? It’s like Pokémon. So we’re going to have fourteen different jerseys, and our coaches are going to say, ‘Giraffe, I choose you.’ And throw it out onto the field. Why don’t we come up with some finalists?
RC: All right, I think the ’Tangs and the honey badgers should be in the finalists, for sure. Sorry eagles, too generic.
IM: I think bio majors is out.
BB: I like either the Americans or Canadians. I think one of those should go to the finals.
DVN: The Irvine Canadians?
IM: How would athletics feel about the Canadians?
DVN: As Canadians, we are proud creatures. We do not quarrel, but when provoked to fight we are a fearsome opponent.
IM: Are we?
DVN: Depends on how much dark lager there is.
IM: Are we getting away from the uniqueness of Peter the Anteater? Are we still unique if we are the honey badgers?
RC: You know, I think honestly, it’s been around from the beginning of this discussion and I think it might be the strongest suggestion.
DVN: I’m going to dissent.
RC: Yeah, you will.
IM: One more thing about the honey badgers. The anteater was very original. Are we being lame by picking up a YouTube sensation?
BB: I think we’re being strategic.
RC: I think we are too.
IM: We need a little bit of that, don’t we?
RC: And you know, I hear this “Harlem Shake” thing is pretty popular. We could get our cheerleaders—
IM: We could be the Milkshakes.
RC: They would bring all the boys to the yard.
IM: Damn right.
IM: Better than yours.
IM: I can teach you.
BB: But I’d have to?
RC: Beautiful. So the Irvine Milkshakes?
BB: That could be our battle cry. “I can teach you, but I’d have to—”
RC: So, the finalists are?
IM: Honey badgers, the orangutans.
RC: You know, I think maybe we’ve been going about this all wrong. Maybe we should just rescue Peter the Anteater.
IM: Or, maybe his girlfriend?
RC: Petra! Petra the Anteater.
IM: Petra the Anteater.
RC: Go team.
Ian Massey is a fourth-year literary journalism major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Ryan M. Cady is a third-year psychology and social behavior and English double major. He can be reached at email@example.com.
Belester Benitez is a fourth-year English major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dat-Vinh Nguyen is a fifth-year criminology, law and society and English double major. He can be reached at email@example.com.