Tea-Time Tale

The Internal Revenue Service (IRS) revealed that it has been aggressively auditing the Tea Party and other conservative political groups for their tax-exempt status.
The inspector general told the press, “The decision to selectively target the Tea Party was made while several IRS employees were having tea during lunch break.”
IRS employees prefer tea over coffee believing that it helps them stay asleep at work. However, due to the recent legislation permitting the sale of genetically-modified tea all IRS employees are on edge and awake. Being unable to sleep at work, the auditors are left with no other option except to do their jobs.
As a humble taxpayer, I was surprised when an IRS agent came to my dorm room to deliver my tax refund check in person. The IRS also offers other complementary services like unnecessary scrutiny, harassment and “Clinton 2016” coffee mugs.
Agent Leftwing, one of the auditors, said, “The tea left such a bad taste in my mouth that I forever began to resent everything remotely associated with tea.”
The resentment was further exacerbated since the Tea Party endorsed the “Made in the U.S.A Tea” bill. The legislation is not a misnomer because even though the tea is grown in South America, it is genetically mutated here in the U.S.A.
The IRS did not have the option of drinking Trader Joe’s brand of mellow tea because it was not advertised as “Made in the U.S.A.”
If the IRS wishes to keep drinking tea, the least they can do is drink American-modified tea.
During the auditing process, the IRS agents stirred outrage by asking the tea partiers whether they drink tea. None of them do in public. “Drinking tea is as un-American as apple pie imported from China,” a tea partier stated.
Because the IRS is doing its job so well, every other branch of government is blushing in embarrassment. The CIA has stepped up its explicitly illegal operations in order to catch up with the IRS. The CIA hopes to violate the constitution, which the IRS has yet to do.
After the Senate hearing, the acting commissioner of the IRS resigned at President Obama’s request. He will be checking into rehab for tea abuse.

Sumeet Singh is a third-year English major. He can be reached at sumees1@uci.edu.