Wednesday, June 23, 2021
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Regal Regents

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The University of California Board of Regents convened an emergency meeting after discovering much to their chagrin that their extended vacations do not extend all the way to the academic year.

Some UC Regents arrived at the meeting in Bermuda shorts and tank tops. The Student Regent was also present and took meticulous notes the whole time.

After the preliminary vote on whether the meeting should even be in session, the Regents moved on to more pressing issues.  The agenda handed to the press had ‘general education requirements’ as its first item.

A spokesperson from UC Santa Barbara informed the Board that the incoming freshmen are increasingly deficient in writing and math. On the positive side, Princeton Review honored UCSB by declaring it the #2 Party School in the country.

The Board of Regents awarded UCSB administration executive bonuses for their commendable work.

“We will take all steps necessary to keep our reputation as a party school intact,” the UCSB spokesperson stated.

The spokesperson from UC Irvine was also present at the meeting. His report that UC Irvine ranks first among U.S. universities younger than 50 was greeted with anguish.

As a result, the spokesperson promised that in 10 years UCI will improve its ranking to first among U.S. universities younger than 60.

The Board also legislated a curriculum change for freshmen in the UC system:

The Regents voted unanimously to make bovine psychology a mandatory class for incoming freshmen.  “All freshmen must learn that they are not so different from their bovine mates,” a UC Regent who is also British said.

Student loans was the next item on the agenda but inside sources reveal that the Board preferred to discuss the subject over cocktails with Freddie Mac executives who finance the loans.

After a fifteen-minute break during which the Regents visited their respective beach houses, the issue of student aid was raised. Recent poll “suggests” that high school seniors consider financial aid an important factor in choosing the college of their non-dreams.

The Board chose to ignore that poll on the bases that it only “suggested” a conclusion.