Long Stories, Shorter

Harper’s Magazine reports that there is a one in 10 chance that an American with a smartphone has used it during sex. In other news, there is a one in 10 chance that an American is multitasking unsuccessfully.

In July of this year, Mississippi legalized the brewing of beer at home. The state also has an unemployment rate of 9.1 percent. Either the two facts are coincidental or the latter follows the former or the former follows the latter.

Thomas Pynchon published a new novel titled “Bleeding Edge.” We just wanted you to read the last sentence and struggle with pronouncing “Pynchon.”

A 1945 guidebook for American soldiers in France titled “112 Gripes about the French” states: “The French have a lower living standard than we in the United States. So do the Poles, the Russians, the Greeks, the Yugoslavs, the Chinese, the Mexicans, the Hindus, the Turks and most of the other people of the world.” The French reciprocated by calling cheeseburgers a food of the swines, by the swines for the swines.

“112 Gripes about the French” also states: “The French are independent. They are proud. They are individualists. So are we. That’s the one reason there is friction between us.” “We” have so much in common that getting along is the only difference.

Iran’s chief of police, Esmail Ahmadi Moghadam, said he is in favor of unblocking Facebook in Iran as long as it is “targeted” and “service-oriented.” Facebook officials commented with the hashtag #censorshipholla.

The Republican-led House of Representatives voted to defund Obamacare. All newspapers are recycling their headlines.

Los Angeles Times headline: “Van Gogh’s ‘Sunset at Montmajour’ unearthed; how good is it?” If it’s not any good, it’s still a Van Gogh!

According to The Hill newspaper, The American League of Lobbyists is supplanting the word “lobbyist” with “Government Relations Professionals.” Congressmen have already been paid to be verbose.

Despite the approaching Rush season for college fraternities, freshmen prefer to join online fraternities.

A decrease in number of Humanities majors entering college has parents ecstatic.

A recent poll conducted by Gallup on the American intervention in Syria suggests that most Americans are really excited about the new iPhone 5c.

A.J. Jacobs opined in The New York Times about making food with a 3-D printers.  So the solution to malnutrition is total lack of nutrition.

 

Sumeet Singh is a fourth-year English major. He can be reached at sumees1@uci.edu.