UC Irvine will be instituting pet therapy for its students during the stressful final exam week. The pets, which only consist of dogs, are handpicked mostly for their googly eyes. Studies show students feel less like failures when they look into the eyes of a puppy who lacks the consciousness to not be anything but googly-eyed.
However, studies conducted at the Institute of Canine Care (ICC) conclude that therapy dogs themselves suffer paradoxically from stress as they relieve the stress of students.
One instance is of a Golden Retriever who reportedly came in contact with UCI students who were about to take their midterms. That Golden Retriever has since been severely fatigued and no longer cares to play fetch.
Several other cases of Canine Under Stress (CUS) syndrome have been reported especially after the dogs’ visit to UC Irvine. The stress of UCI students is so infectious that even the most googly-eyed poodle looks deflated after a day of being therapeutic.
CUS makes dogs less googly-eyed and more puffy-eyed. Even a Chihuahua cannot keep his guard up when a stressed student looks into its eyes not unlike a Dementor sucking the very stress-free soul.
Several poodles have been diagnosed with CUS after their exhaustive therapy tour to UCI. “They just don’t want to do it anymore,” a dog whisperer said on behalf of the canines.
Animals have the well-documented potential to alleviate stress. And humans have the well-documented potential to induce stress. Something’s gotta give!
Researchers believe the only way to cure CUS is to transfer the stress back to the students who CUSed the dogs in the first place.
Any attempt to transfer the stress from the poodles back into the UCI students only makes the poodles more stressed out. The poodles cannot in good conscience stress out the humans.
This gives a whole new meaning to “man’s best friend.”
The Institute of Canine Care is urging UCI students to remain stressed out until further notice.
For now the CUSed dogs live gloomily in retirement homes waiting for a stress-free person to take them home.
If you think you are a stress-free person, please visit your local dog shelter.
Sumeet Singh is a fourth-year English major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.