Stupid Cupid: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

For my final article for this column, I decided to go the quintessential-tween-dream route: vampires. VampirePassions.com came up in my initial search for niche websites, and I knew it was one I would have to explore.

Vampires aren’t exactly en vogue anymore at the moment, so I figured it would be the perfect time to re-popularize the bloodsucking heartthrobs with my powerful influence and infectious charisma.

Again, lots of questions. Is this site for people who are looking for vampires, or for vampires looking for a new romance and/or supply of fresh blood? What constitutes a vampire? What other productive thing could I have been doing with my life for the past five weeks instead of signing up for sites like these?

The site itself also looks pretty outdated in its layout, but you do have the option of signing in with your Facebook account. You are initially prompted to enter your email and a username and, interestingly, it is stated clearly that sexually obscene usernames are grounds for account termination. Keepin’ it friendly for the youngin’s, VampirePassions!

Once you verify your email, you’re able to start building your profile. Surprisingly, this website is the only one I’ve used so far that has a wide range of non-binary choices when it comes to gender and sexual orientation. A big plus and hats off to you, VampirePassions.

Then it came down to a long process of checking off boxes under subcategories for your personality, including hobbies, favorite forms of exercise or sports, favorite types of foods, languages spoken and so on. It took a good half hour to get through the boxes, and while fun, was fairly tedious to get to.

With my profile set up, I was finally ready to look for my Lestat. Young Tom Cruise, here I come! Unsurprisingly, many of the profiles I came across have been inactive for some time. It was similar to Captain-Date.com, where it appeared many of the accounts were set up as a joke and then forgotten once the novelty wore off.

Some users’ profiles were eerily serious: “Black hair, milky white, your passion is your bite. Tonight, tonight, let’s take flight out of the belly of the beast, let’s begin to feast. Be mine, intertwine; when I’m yours, you are mine.”

I think I’ll pass, dude. Sick rhymes, though.

Most of the profiles were vacant, some had half-hearted jokey lines about bloodsucking and “Twilight,” but it was mainly tumbleweeds all around. Another niche site, another dud.

Truthfully, spending a week on a site like this is only a little taste of what it can offer and I could probably really find someone to connect with if I had enough time to spend carefully combing through.

Five weeks of studying the super-specific wants of other people has inevitably forced me to look at my own preferences. Is there a site specifically for guys who are good at communication and expression, have the same disgusting sense of humor as I do and love dogs?

Throughout the duration of this column, I wondered often about the intent of the founders of these sites. Was it all for shits and giggles or were they really trying to set up a way for people to connect over the barest thread of shared interest?

An intimate connection, let alone love, is a pretty rare thing that a lot of us are looking for. These sites, though hilarious in nature, are completely understandable in context. Maybe with a super niche site, the wide possibilities are narrowed considerably and a potential mate would be easier to find.

My experience with other “normal” dating apps and sites have been scant, and I don’t know if  at the moment I’d be interested in participating actively in this world. Maybe because I’m a romantic idealist, but I find that these things usually fall into your lap when you least expect them to.

But never say never! If you’re ever on a website meant to connect avid fans of “The Lord of the Rings” or singles who love asinine YouTube videos and find my profile, stop and shoot me a hello. We’re all looking for love in this big, messy world together folks.