Sometimes, we have secrets. And sometimes, those secrets involve bad habits.
Meet Joe. Joe had bitch tits. He also had a bad habit. That bad habit involved shampoo.
Joe spent all his life wondering why he, of all people in his family, had to be the member with dandruff problems. While other kids were complaining about pimples and girls, Joe had to worry about dandruff, something he knew he would be dealing with for the rest of his life. That is, unless he could find the right dandruff shampoo.
At the young age of 11, Joe Biden walked into a Target, hoping to find JUST the right shampoo that would cure his horrible dandruff problem. Coming home with four bottles of Head & Shoulders in tow, he hoped that the trusted general brand would work. However, the shampoo just didn’t cut it for him. And so it continued — week after week Joe would walk into Target, chat up the cashier, hoping that a new shipment of the next dandruff shampoo would cure what would be the incurable. He tried everything — Aveeno, Aveda, Phyto … nothing worked.
Later in life, when he realized that Target didn’t cut it for him, he even gathered the balls to walk into a Lush cosmetics store, the all-natural, cruelty-free beauty supply store. As the women awkwardly hand-washed his hands, he admitted he was more in need of dandruff shampoo. Leaving with a fresh supply of beeswax lavender honey basil mint chia seed cacao shampoo, Joe was hopeful that maybe, just maybe, a natural remedy was what he needed to cure his dandruff …no luck. Just clean hand-scrubbed hands.
Fast-forward 60 years later, to his vice presidency with Barack Obama. To this day, Joe has yet to solve the problem with his dandruff. However, it’s less noticeable simply because he has barely any hair. However, he still continues to search for what may be the right shampoo to cure that dandruff. And where, you might ask, is the potential source for such a cure? In the scent of thousands of women’s hair. In those follicles, he may just smell out the perfect, dandruff-clearing shampoo.
Katrina Yentch is a fourth-year literary journalism major. She can be reached at email@example.com.