The world is full of unresolved issues, problems and controversies that need our attention: marijuana is about to be legalized in the state of California; women are still earning 78 cents to every dollar earned by men; more than 80 percent of people in the world are living on $10 a day. But none of that matters compared to the biggest dispute of them all— the color of a dress.
Not just any dress, but #TheDress has quickly become one of the most debated topics in the country, and for good reasons. It began on Tumblr when a user posted a picture of this dress, and after some liking, commenting, sharing and retweeting, the picture of this magical dress was appearing on computer and cell-phone screens all over the world. Some people see blue and black stripes while others see white and gold. Then there are those know-it-alls that see both, or at least claim they do. And of course we have those from the color vision deficient community who see blue and red … but this article isn’t about them.
This is for the people who see blue and black, white and gold and of course, those who see both. We are about to unravel and unveil the ultimate truth to the importance of this debate. But be warned — this intel might change the modern world as we know it.
For the folks who see #BlueAndBlack, we’ve got bad news: blue and black color perception is a scientifically proven symptom of aging and death. Believe it or not, studies show that every single person who sees blue and black on the dress is aging by the millisecond and, consequently, approaching closer and closer to death. And by 2020, they would have actually aged five whole years. This incredible discovery is changing the game and the meaning of the dress. It has become an instrument of prediction more than anything. This community of people who see blue and black will die. Although we cannot predict the exact time with our limited technology, it is certain that their deaths will occur sometime within the next 130 years.
Things are not so bright for #TeamWhite&Gold either. According to recent studies, people who see white and gold are likely to catch the rubeola virus, if exposed to it. Rubeola, commonly known as measles, is a highly contagious and a serious, possibly fatal virus. Though the likelihood of this happening depends on the victim’s own immune system, likely is likely. Therefore I urge all those who see white and gold to stay away from the Ayala Science Library: the measles are coming for you.
Finally we have our obnoxiously politically correct friends: those who see both blue and black and white and gold. Because of their superhuman qualities of color perception, they are lacking in other aspects — their bodies have not yet developed the ability to live without oxygen. Ridiculous, we know. Without oxygen, their bodies will actually begin to deteriorate in less than ten minutes. Because of this disorder, space travel is most unfortunately out of the question for these individuals unless they carry a surplus of oxygen tanks with them.
So whether you are #TeamWhite&Gold, #TeamBlue&Black or #Both, life pretty much sucks for everyone. But the significance of this dress is not to determine if your life will be terrible; rather it’s about how. Is it possible that you are aging by the second? Are you likely to get measles if exposed? Are you too dependent on oxygen? These are the real questions behind the mystery of the dress. So let’s forget about politics, global warming and war. It’s all about the dress — what colors do you see?
Vanessa Hsia is a first year French and international studies double major. She can be reached at email@example.com.