Satire: Open Letter to 1/5 Direction

Zayn

My beloved Zayn Javadd Malik,

Allow me to compare thee to a summer’s day. Too hot, hot damn. Make a dragon want to retire, man.

Or, should I say, make a boy band want to retire, man.

If you’re reading this, it’s too late. The apocalypse has arrived.

Since the ninth hour on that fateful March 25, the world has become irrevocably broken beyond repair. March Madness really isn’t about basketball; it’s about One Direction. I’m sure you’re cuddling with Naughty Boy in your love nest, oblivious to the world around you, so allow me to shed some light on current events. A new epidemic has swept the globe and it’s not swine flu, ebola or Bieber fever.  What a time to be alive.

It’s Zaynomycosis.  According to FOX News, this is the gravest epidemic to sweep the continental United States, second to the rise of feminism, which obviously is a conspiracy theory between those damn liberals and the Illuminati.  The virus targets the heart and circulatory system of patients, subjecting them to incessant fainting spells, migraines and hysteria.  To the surprise of physicians, a remedy does exist.  Nay, it is not a pill or a vaccine — it’s the high note from your solo in “Steal My Girl,” which now plays without end in hospitals worldwide.

Yesterday, I was, however, finally calm enough to give your demo with Naughty Boy, “I Won’t Mind,” a listen. It is refreshing to hear your vocals raw. The track showcases how versatile your voice is with smooth, slow instrumentals versus epic, fast-paced beats.  Perhaps it is for the better that you have parted ways with One Direction but that is beside the point! My sole grief cannot be neglected!

Regardless it truly stings to see you move on so quickly from the life and family of One Direction. It hurt even more to see how “inconsiderate” Naughty Boy has been this whole time on Twitter. He not only released this track and showed us what you’ve been working on when “no one’s watching,” but he also posted that video claiming he “saved your life.” Doesn’t he realize that nobody cares because he destroyed and obliterated the lives of Directioners worldwide? Quite simply, he is the Yoko Ono of 1D!  This is an injustice!

I saw on Facebook that you are also joining forces with the non-profit organization, Teach For America, for a new philanthropic project that clearly was not an April Fool’s joke.  How selfish can you be to pursue music as an individual, record tracks that are more mature, and want to invest yourself to the cause of educating the youth? That is so not fetch! I now have to compete with thirty or so fifth graders to see you! (But let me know when early enrollment starts. You should consider being a teaching assistant for a university though. I would have a better chance of getting into that course.  Probably.)

Despite the venom I feel in my heart, I write this letter from the confines of my hospital bed with the kindest regards.  My heart is heavy but each day I am slowly recovering.  I am consoled by the fact that if I auction the lock of hair I stole from your dressing room during the 2013 Take Me Home world tour, I might be able to pay off my college tuition. The possibility of Kanye replacing you, and maybe the rest of the band, grants me a small ounce of relief.  We all know that there’s only room for one direction, and it is west.  Watch the throne, indeed.

Most benevolently,

 

Brittany and Sabby

Brittany Pham is a first year biological sciences major. She can be reached at brittqp@uci.edu.

Sabby Zuluaga is a third-year literary journalism major. She can be reached a szuluag@uci.edu.