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According to a recent study by NASA, the state of California has about one year of air left. Amid Californians continuing to consume oxygen at a maximum rate, the Santa Ana winds have blown the oxygen of Southern California toward the Pacific Ocean, resulting in rotten orange harvests and high unemployment. Northern California’s oxygen is in a less extreme but constant decline as well. Governor Jerry Brown has put forth a bill to help halt the decrease of breathable air in the state’s atmosphere. If passed by the state assembly, the Oxygen Now Act will effectively target many sectors of our agriculture, population and infrastructure.

The bill’s first point calls for relocation of all immigrants to either their nation of origin or other states. An initial version of the bill advocated removing any California resident whose lineage eventually traces to another nation; but revisions were quickly made once lawmakers realized that Europe is not part of the U.S. The current version calls for any resident who was not born in the United States to leave California within 6 months of the bill’s enactment. The Christian Science Monitor reports that this would cut air consumption by 45 percent, half of which comes from air no longer being wasted in the parties immigrants hold with their bounce houses, balloons, firecrackers and pinatas. Some economic experts fear this would devastate California’s economy, but popular Oxygen Now advocates, such as “Two and a Half Men” star Charlie Sheen, singer Justin Bieber and Compton’s rising rap star Kendrick Lamar are traveling the state, assuring citizens that the benefits of this bill outweigh any potential consequences.

Perhaps the most impactful point for native Californians is the “Save Your Breath” public conservation campaign attached to the act. The campaign prohibits: heavy-breathing, hyperventilation and deep breaths for your doctor. Violators will be subject to hefty fines or community service, such as friendship with Betty White. Citizens are advised to avoid any other activities which lead to superfluous air intake, like running, jumping, heavy-lifting, shouting, reproductive acts without intent to procreate and most types of sports. The plan is not all punitive, however. Subsidies or rebates will be offered for those willing to breath only every other day or for individuals willing to develop asthma.  The main celebrity advocate for “Save Your Breath” is Floyd Mayweather, the heavyweight boxing champion who has defended his title against many men and women, inside and out of the ring.

The third and final point of Oxygen Now is planting marijuana trees in public parks and business plazas. A recent study from Colorado University at Boulder concluded that marijuana plants emit oxygen at a faster rate than other plants. Lawmakers warn that this does not mean that marijuana consumption will be legal. To ensure this,  all marijuana plants will be burned on April 20 each year. Governor Brown’s agricultural consultant, Snoop Dogg, has voiced his support of this provision.

Analysts in state government project that these provisions will help sustain California’s air supply for another 50 years. If it is passed through state senate, we can all take a deep breath and move on. But not too deep.

 

HQ Satire Club focuses on satirizing current events and social issues. The club meets Tuesdays at 5 p.m. in ICS 213. You can also find them on Facebook: HQ Satire Club at UCI.

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