Everyone knows that life on the UCI campus is heavily influenced by the events and activities of campus organizations. However, not all organizations are readily apparent. There are many whose presence can only be detected if one looks for hints when walking down ring road or notices symbols on their classmates’ clothing. Their activities are often cult-like and have led to a strange subculture on campus. Luckily, HQ has managed to obtain a testimonial from someone who chose to remain anonymous to protect his party lifestyle.
Anon, who became inclined to join one of these groups due to his own lack of networking, described the initiation process as a key factor towards acceptance into one of these “cults.” Anon claims that, aside from a high entrance fee, interested individuals have to prove their loyalty to the organization through a process known as “pledging.” Pledging includes requirements such as performing degrading favors for the higher members of the society, or consuming copious amounts alcohol for their entertainment. These higher members are referred to as the big, grand big, mega big and morbidly obese big “brothers.”
Anon further explained that each of these organizations have a set of Greek letters that represent their organizations. These letters are so sacred that a pledge may not wear or even write them until they have crossed over into the new “bro” order.
“I never really liked history, and I still can’t locate Greece on a map, but it astonished me how fascinated they were with this culture,” Anon said.
Once the initiation process ends, the brotherhood mentality takes over.
Anon explained, “I did everything with them, I lost touch with nearly all of my friends in the outside world. My brothers became my everything. After a while I forgot the fact that I was basically paying a quarterly fee to have friends.”
Anon went on to explain the incentives that come with being part of such groups. Many of these “cults” are exclusive to men, but there are usually parallel “cults” of women created with the sole purpose of becoming, through collective persuasion, ready-made dates for the members of the male group.
“Yeah, that’s not what they tell the sisters specifically, they kind of give the same sales pitch that the bros give to us: ‘we are not like the other “cults,” you will form lifelong friendships with people you wouldn’t ever be friends with in the outside world, et cetera.’”
We asked Anon if the benefits of friendship and party life outweigh the responsibilities and demands of being part of one of these organizations. His answer surprised us.
“Definitely. If I could go back, I wouldn’t do anything differently. Yes, there is a quarterly payment and an often unusual pledging process, but aren’t we paying for college as a whole anyway? Who has the right to judge me if I pay an extra quarterly fee for something that results in a strong support system? At the end of the day, I’m choosing to be loyal to the subculture through how I dress and act. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you can’t have a successful and fun college experience without living this life, but not all of us have the same opportunities to do so independently. Are we done? I have a mandatory gym meeting with my bros at five.”
A valid defense. What Anon failed to leave out is the span of influence that these organizations potentially have on global politics. Our team has conducted additional research that suggests these groups have a broader agenda for humanity as a whole.
According to Wikipedia, these “cults” are not limited to UCI. Many similar organizations have chapters in campuses across the nation. They are involved in high school, charity and sporting events in their communities. They have found their way into politics and entertainment. Rumor has it that many notable figures, such as George W. Bush, Stephen Spielberg and Shaquille O’Neal have been affiliated with these cults during their college years.
The exact length of time for membership is unknown, raising the question: what if loyalty to these organizations is still a motivating force for prominent members of society? Much like the archaic systems of alliances that pulled many countries into war in the past, perhaps more recent invasions were driven by the orders of bigs around the nation whose goal was not to create new democracy, but to create new chapters?
HQ Satire Club focuses on satirizing current events and social issues. The club meets Tuesdays at 5 p.m. at ICS 213. You can also find them on Facebook: HQ Satire Club at UCI.