Satire: A Letter to Donald Trump

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Dear Mr. Trump,

My name is Ivan and I am writing to you to ask for your younger daughter’s hand in marriage. Now I understand, Mr. Trump, why should a busy man like yourself take a moment to read a wordy letter from a nobody who has the audacity to make such an incredulous proposal? Well, sir, to establish some credibility, allow me to convince you of my qualifications to possibly deem myself your future son-in-law.

To begin with, I am a white male, which indicates that I am drug free, I have a clean record, and I am not a rapist that Mexico has sent over to our great country. I am not black either; therefore I am not lazy. I am an honest American,  earning an honest living. I am not an immigrant — I am a true American; my ancestors stumbled over across the Atlantic with Columbus hundreds of years ago, claiming this beautiful land to be ours.

Additionally, I am a working-class American who not only supports capitalism, but who also thinks that money is the best thing you can find in a person. Money is the key to being successful in the modern world. As much as I love you, Mr. Trump, I love your money more, and I believe that a brilliant man like yourself will know how to use that money to save our country from its previous leaders. I, in turn, will wait to inherit your money because like you have said numerous times, money is the best thing about you. Do not worry sir, like I’ve mentioned above, I am not black, therefore I will be completely capable of counting your money. If it makes you feel more comfortable, I could always wear a yarmulke while I do so.

Like you, Mr. Trump, I beat China all the time. How, you ask? I do my best everyday to waste as much food and water as I can. I try to drive my car around for no reason when time allows because pollution is the key to poking at China’s ridiculous “global warming” theory. When you become president, I will fully support your decision to tax them 25% because those no-good brainiacs that made up global warming just to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive deserve to be punished.

And, finally, like you, Mr. Trump, I also find your daughter quite attractive. But unlike you, I could date her and it would be legal. I think of no better man more perfectly suited for your daughter than myself. I am exactly like you, sir. I imagine that if I were to be the producer of The Apprentice, all the women would flirt with me as well. I treat women nicely; some may say that I am a misogynist, but I disagree. I love women and I tolerate them even when they’ve got blood coming out of their wherever — the mark of a true gentleman. In addition, I am very good looking. I have paid the best hair stylist in the country to sculpt me a wig made of the finest hair of boars so that I could look exactly like you. And as for my skin, I have scheduled a botox appointment for next week and I imagine that after a few injections I will be able to pull off that orange, rubbery look of yours.

As you can see, Mr. Trump, I may be perhaps the best candidate as your next son-in-law. I don’t care what the media says about your daughter, because like you have said, why does it matter as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass? I hope that from my letter you have realized what a handsome, capable and righteous man I am. And if a man like you is capable of fixing our backwards country, a man like me would be perfectly capable of taking care of your daughter, Tiffany.

 

Yours truly,

Ivan

 

Vanessa Hsia is a second year international studies and french double major. She can be reached at fanshunh@uci.edu.

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