Monday, March 8, 2021
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Satire: New Year’s Resolutions

It’s the new year and we all know how hard it is to keep a new year’s resolution from falling apart. If you are having trouble keeping your resolution, then here are some notable resolutions from the past to help keep you motivated!

Michael Jordan: Be the greatest player of all time… in baseball.

Mark Zuckerberg: Graduate from Harvard.

Conor McGregor: Politely ask my classmates to stop picking on me.

Steven Spielberg: Get better at photography.

Chris Pratt: Stop drinking so many beers.

Kevin Hart: Work on my public speaking skills.

Eminem: Get a rhyming dictionary.

J.K. Rowling: Get rid of all this extra money.

Jennifer Lopez: Become a backup dancer.

Jesus Christ: Control my temper.

Santa Claus: End the war on Christmas.

Channing Tatum: Learn how to talk to girls.

Marco Miranda is a third-year Drama Major. He can be reached at