Friday, April 23, 2021
Home Opinion Op-Eds UCI's Guide to Where to Hide During a Zombie Apocalypse

UCI’s Guide to Where to Hide During a Zombie Apocalypse

By Lilith Martirosyan

Ready your pitchforks and nail-covered bats because UCI has just been taken over by an army of the undead. We’re safe for the moment, but where do we hide?

The university’s circular layout isn’t the most optimal for escape, but the Paul Merage School of Business boasts an upper-level outdoor patio that remains unknown and under-utilized by much of the school.

It’s perfect in providing quick access to the street should we feel the need to flee the area or gather supplies from the surrounding markets. The Au Bon Pain café is conveniently located just two floors down to provide sustenance, and the balcony doubles as a vantage point to monitor the zombies’ position in regards to our own.

Although it may seem strange or even foolish to select an outdoor hiding spot, considering the number of times students go beyond the building’s second floor after class has finished, the risk is minimal. Its presence is apparent from the outside, but it is an enclosure that becomes forgotten when the ground-level is furnished with surplus seating.

The patio is, indeed, a hidden gem among UCI’s zombie apocalypse safety zones.

By Elyse Joseph

 Let’s be real. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, I’m toast. I don’t have much time until the army of the undead smells my sweet, living flesh and comes straight for me. So what’s a warm body to do?

 I’ll tell you what this one does: go to the place where I can best enjoy my last moments before my brains get scouted for Team Zombie. I love books and reading, and the Shakespeare collection in Langson Library is top of the line. So I’m headed to the fourth floor where I can ponder human nature with the OG of literary genius. Not a bad way to go, in my book.

By Megan Cole

If zombies descended on Southern California, UCI is the place I’d want to be. The campus is enormous and full of food, supplies, and most importantly, places to hide. During a zombie apocalypse, my campus hiding spot would be a no-brainer (pun intended): Zot-N-Go.

The  convenience store contains not only a solid supply of non-perishable snacks and drinks, but also medicine and little amenities like Chapstick, pens and paper, and instant coffee. It’s just enough to keep one from starving or going crazy from boredom, which is about all one can ask for in the middle of a zombie attack.

The large glass windows might be a risk, but that’s what the moveable soda fountain and shelves are for. Just in case an errant zombie should break through that makeshift barricade, Zot-N-Go has a whole storeroom full of brooms and mops — great weapons for the desperate.

What Zot-N-Go lacks in safety, it more than makes up for in Pop Tarts, Gatorade, and questionable packaged sushi. While others might opt to go hungry in a more secure hideout, I’d rather go out fighting with a full stomach, so the trade-off is worth it to me.

By Christian Winston

Not everyone knows the zombie apocalypse is near, but the enlightened students at UCI do. When that day comes, here are a few things you should know. Your hiding space must safely shelter you from the zombie hordes until the campus police eradicate them. The freshmen will get infected before the upperclassmen; they haven’t lived on campus long enough to know safe hiding places, so everyone should stay away from freshman housing and any area where they are known to congregate and loiter at.

Don’t try to escape by boarding the Anteater Express, specifically the V Line, for it’s too slow and the zombies can easily catch the bus and infect you. Most students will run into the nearest building — instead, rush to go to the Langson Library. The basement in the library offers excellent shelter while still giving the dedicated UCI student a quiet space to study. That’s right, the zombie apocalypse can’t chase away our hateful midterms.