Last week, I went to see Fifty Shades Freed. Then I saw the first scene. To say the least, my soul took a beating. However, unlike our heroes Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey, I had the good sense to escape while I still had the chance. But I won’t let that stop me from writing a review of the film. I learned from the first two that there’s no real plot, so I won’t bother with that. Instead, I’ve come up with some possible plotlines regarding the lovebirds’ quirky relationship, and I’ll be reviewing those.
Scenario One: Christian and Anastasia get married. But some very mean people have a bone to pick with them and try to break them apart. The newlyweds find a way to overcome all the obstacles that people put in their way. They live happily ever after.
Review: Well, folks, it’s over. We made it to the end. I would like to congratulate each and every audience member who watched all of these movies and lived to tell the tale. You made it farther than I did. Watching this movie was a punishment all its own, and none of us are getting any of that time back. But even under the shade of this franchise, we’ll all find a way to live on. I truly believe that.
Scenario Two: Christian and Anastasia get married. They start having all the conversations Anastasia couldn’t participate in with a ball gag in her mouth and realize that they’re not right for each other after all. They get divorced.
Review: Honestly, this went better than expected. This was probably the best direction to go with this franchise. After all, how many different ways can you tie one person up? Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan, who play Anastasia and Christian, do not have much chemistry, and neither do the characters, it seems. Although, we could have been done after the first movie if they were just going to break up in the end anyway.
Scenario Three: Christian and Anastasia get married. But soon, Anastasia falls victim to a string of murders across the Northeast. It’s up to Christian to bind up the killer…and not in a good way.
Review: They really committed to the dark tone of the second movie here. I have to say, at least it was interesting, which is more than I can say for the first installment. Ironically, death made the characters less stiff and a few shades more colorful. I think this movie might just be worth the time it takes to watch.
Scenario Four: Christian and Anastasia get married. One year later, aliens descend and begin hunting down humans “Predator”-style. Christian reveals that he’d been secretly working with the U.S. government on a defense plan all along. They knew this day would come, and they are ready. Now, it’s up to Christian and Anastasia to chain and whip those aliens before they can dominate the earth. Will our heroes be able to bring the aliens to their knees?
Review: Woohoo! They really went balls-to-the-wall with this one. Surprisingly, Anastasia and Christian make a solid action duo, even if they don’t work so well as a couple. This was a thrill ride from start to finish, and I did not see a single moment coming (no pun intended). This was the Fifty Shades of Grey movie we needed, even if it wasn’t the Fifty Shades of Grey movie we deserved.
Elyse Joseph is a literary journalism and African-American studies double major. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.