SATIRE: White House Elated that Golf Scandal Now in Spotlight
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders spoke to the press April 2, expressing her excitement over the public shifting focus toward President Donald Trump’s golf cheating scandal and away from the very serious controversies that he and his administration are embroiled in.
“I’ll be honest with you all, I’m relieved,” Sanders told reporters. “Every time I come out here, I’m forced to talk my way around some problem that the president has caused, but this…this is a cakewalk.”
Sanders then went on to describe the joy that she and other White House staffers felt when they first heard the public was more interested in Trump’s golfing habits than his threats to force the construction of a border wall or the connections between himself and certain Russian individuals. She admitted it was the first time she had come to work smiling in decades.
“Not since those cops beat the Rodney King Trial,” she said. “I didn’t even have to drink this morning before I came out here to talk to all of you.”
She also stated that while she was happy for a moment of relief from the stresses of working with Trump, she was a bit disgusted by the American people’s willingness to turn away from the country’s major issues in favor of the scandal.
“You understand that this is the least of our worries, right guys? Mueller’s report is finished after years of investigation, the White House has new staff every week, and I’m telling people that God personally hand-picked Trump to lead our nation. None of this is important to you?”
According to sportswriter Rick Reilly’s book, “Commander in Cheat: How Golf Explains Donald Trump,” the president has a notorious past of cheating his opponents in both golf tournaments and leisure games. Multiple sources confirmed that Trump has a tendency to lie about his overall scores, as well as having a handicap of 2.8 that would place him among the world’s elite young golfers.
Lengthy stories have been run by major news networks, chronicling the lies being told by Trump on the golf course. Officials, caddies and even some celebrities have come out and stated that Trump wins by any means necessary. According to Tom Brady, a friend of Trump and frequent Mar-a-Lago visitor, the president holds nothing back on the green.
“I was beating him pretty whole-handedly once, and right before we could get into the back nine, he declared that my caddy was a Russian national and had him apprehended,” Brady said. “It didn’t surprise me, he had a thick accent and kept taking photos of the grounds. What confused me was that it wasn’t even a caddy that I had brought with me, it was one of Trump’s.”
Still, Brady believes that the scandal is overblown and should not be used to discredit Trump’s honesty.
“We share a lot in common, such as our love for sports and our tendency to give our children lengthy kisses on the lips. We’re practically the same person, so if he was a cheat and a fraud than I would have to be too, and that’s just not true,” the football player said.
Democratic officials were quick to release statements on the issue. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi stated that the scandal is yet another example of Trump’s inability to serve as a reliable president. Senator Bernie Sanders promised that every game of golf he has played was accurately recorded and vowed to establish a universal basic handicap. Senator Cory Booker posted on Twitter that the sport should be temporarily banned, winning him a whopping ten likes and three retweets from his followers.
Jacob La Cava is a fourth-year English and Literary Journalism double major. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.