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Satire: Editor-In-Chief Forces Lowly Opinion Co-Editor To Review “The Bachelor”

Like many of my peers, I have trouble saying “no.” Is this the result of unresolved childhood trauma? Perhaps simply part of my nature? Zodiac sign? Myers Brigg score? Whatever the reason, I have trouble saying “no.” So when New University Editor-In-Chief Oriana Gonzalez asked me if I would review Season 24 of “The Bachelor,” I, of course, said “yes.” 

When I agreed to review “The Bachelor,” I signed up for a show that is two hours long and, when combined with my writing time, amounts to approximately five hours. At my freelance going rate, I can assure you, dear reader, that my unpaid labor is a generous donation to the New University and your own greedy eyes. 

Of course, Chief Gonzalez gave me very specific rules to enhance what she called the “Bachelor Experience.” I was to turn off the room’s lights in order to acclimate all my senses to focus solely on the show. As to ensure this “Clockwork Orange”-esque viewing of the show did not consume my whole being, I was to get a nice glass of wine to accompany me during this showing. I was not allowed to check Twitter during the course of the show, forcing mine to be the only opinion influencing this piece. With those ground rules, I was to watch the season from the next episode onwards, and review them accordingly.

When I told my girlfriend that I was going to be watching “The Bachelor” for New University, she was quick to inform me that, in fact, WE were going to be watching “The Bachelor.” This, she told me, was a part of her rights as a girlfriend. Because of this, some of the opinions expressed in this piece have been muddled by her own, for which I apologize.

Picture this: it’s Monday, Jan. 20. B-day.

I served my girlfriend and I two glasses of Epicurio Primotivo — a fine $5.99 Trader Joe’s-exclusive red wine —, I dimmed the lights and we sat for our 8 p.m. appointment. It was finally time for “The Bachelor,” Season 24, Episode 3.

After being treated to a barrage of establishing b-roll and stock sounds, the viewer is thrown into a quarrel between contestants Hannah Brown and Kelsey Weierover over a champagne bottle. The argument has apparently bled over from last episode, when one of the girls popped a bottle of champagne for Peter Weber — the Bachelor for whom the women are competing to marry — that the other was saving for a special occasion. Despite both women clearly wanting to make amends, differences in how they perceived each other’s tone lead to the dispute being unresolved. Right away, I knew this show was designed for drama.

Weber arrives to take one lucky girl on a date, and that girl is Victoria Paul. Paul is 27, a nurse and from Alexandria, Louisiana. Perhaps Weber mistook her small town roots as signs that she was a country girl because he decided that this date was going to take place at a saloon. 

Yes, a saloon.

Photo courtesy of John Fleenor/ABC

But, somehow, either Weber or the producers misread Paul because she actually had no yee-haw roots in her. In order to resolve this, they first went boot shopping wherein Weber bought his date a pair of cowboy boots and a hat. At this point, the viewer does not know that they are going to a saloon after, so — myself being from a small town — I assumed boot shopping was the whole date.

After the boot shopping, the couple moseyed on over to the saloon where a small country concert of sorts was happening. Paul appeared very out of place here, with a fresh hat and boots that screamed, “I don’t know what these are for.” They square dance the night away before retiring to an airplane hangar for a sitdown meal.

At this point, I asked myself, “Am I trying too hard?”

Apparently if you want to date someone you can turn them into yourself on the first date. I’m not saying that people dating shouldn’t share their interests, but it was odd to me that Weber spent the first date doing something only he wanted to do.

After dinner in the airplane hangar — which at no point during the course of it did Paul ask a single question about those cool looking planes around her —, the show switched gears into the next day. The show then begins setting up contestant Alayah Benavidez as the villian, despite her actually not being that bad. The other contestants, mostly Sydney Hightower, don’t like her because they think she is fake. But truthfully, she is a pageant person, and it just seems like that’s how she was raised to act.

I have a question for you, staminous reader. If you were dating a person who was also dating 20 other people, and he took you to a saloon to wrestle the other women he is dating, would you stay and do it? If you answered no, then you are not ready for dating in the real world. Weber really watched his dates fight in a huge pillow fight. The producers set it up so that Hightower and Benavidez would fight in the final round. Benavidez comes out on top, and wins a kiss from Peter, to which Hightower gives a look that I am willing to exeragate as being one of the meanest I have ever seen.

Photo courtesy of John Fleenor/ABC

The next portion of the show is dedicated to Benavidez. Is she here for the right reasons? Some girls don’t think so, and they tell Weber such. Is she a liar? One contestant is the former Miss Louisiana, and has worked with Benavidez in the past. Apparently Benavidez told her to lie about not knowing her for the show. Weber confronts her about this, and she says she just didn’t want her chances to be on the show jeopardized. This drama continues on and on and on and on until a Sonic commercial punctuates this experience, bringing me new life.

We’re skipping to the rose ceremony. There’s already like 1,000 words contained in this article and it’s time to wrap it up. Thank you, dear reader, for making this journey with me. I don’t know why you have read this far, and neither do I truly know what I chose to write this far. I have had a busy week, and frankly I am surprised I even had time to write any of this. In fact, I’m finishing this up 34 minutes before it’s due. I was going to finish it last night, but I went to Applebees instead.

Now, I know what you’re rightfully thinking, “really? Applebees?” Hear me out, alright. Applebees runs a new one dollar drink every month, and this month it is called the Frostbite. The Frostbite has a shot of rum and vodka and it is surprisingly drinkable. For five dollars, I got 10 shots put in me. You can’t beat that pricing when in a group. While Applebees’ food isn’t exactly good, when you’re five Frostbites deep it can definitely hit the spot. I would highly recommend this experience. If you’re looking for a good time for under 20 dollars and you are 21 years old, look no further.

Roses, roses, roses. Kelsey got a rose. Ann Ann got a rose. Natasha got a rose. Lexi got a rose. Madison got a rose. Shiann got a rose. Kelly got a rose. Kira got a rose. Tammy got a rose. Savannah got a rose. Sydney got a rose. Deandra got a rose. Two roses left, commercial break!

Two roses left and it’s anyone’s game. A lot of girls have been left unnamed this episode, and since I missed the first episode I really don’t know who half of these people are. But Benavidez does not yet have a rose. Weber is confused, leaves and comes back with the host who announces that only one of the two remaining roses will be given out. Shock circulates in the room.

The last rose goes to … not Alayah, but McKenna! Alayah is heart broken, and it’s clear that Weber himself is as well. He felt pressured into making this decision and is not sure about it. The producers console him, the camera zooms out and this episode of “The Bachelor” comes to a close. 

Do I feel better or worse for having watched this? All I know is that I know nothing, apparently. 7/10.

Nicolas Perez is a fourth year Literary Journalism major and Opinion Co-Editor at New University, he can be reached at